Its weird to be here again after so long and after so much has changed. Who is left?
I can't believe it but I did. Nearly 10 months of unemployment and I managed to get a job again and end up with minimal debt thanks to some extremely generous friends. They let me move in with them 2 months after their own wedding. I can never repay their kindness.
But at the same time I didn't live.
I was in the hospital again a few weeks ago. My roommate screwed me over and I had just found out that I had to move back on with my parents for the summer because i couldnt find a new place to live in time. I felt like my life was over, like I was losing my freedom and control. But a good friend of mine, we'll call her Lindy- convinced me to call the police. She is a big part of the reason I am alive to write this right now.
I felt like I died.
In the hospital I felt like I was insane. The psych ward is a surreal place to exist, a place where you float in the void between child and adult. They count your plastic silverware after meals. They take your shoelaces. They don't allow you to have anything you could ise to kill yourself. I made friends with another patient there, she's old enough to be my Mother but it felt like we were kindred spirits. We keep in touch now that we are out of the hospital.
But it was hard after the hospital. I broke down twice after leaving. My roommate didnt understand. She was either stupid or didn't care. She took me out for dinner because I was so depressed that I hadn't eaten in days and right before we entered one of my favorite restaurants and I finally started to feel something other than despair; her friend called her and told her they were at the restaurant next door that I hate. I was bullied into going there with her instead and ended up at a table with 12 of her friends in a jam packed awful restaurant and they were all speaking Spanish.
I started to have a panic attack and bolted.
She didn't come look for me. She didn't call or text. I ended up alone and sobbing at a fast food restaurant down the street. I started to dissociate, forget who I was and where I had come from. There were no thoughts, only feelings. I don't remember running home very well. I could have hurt myself out there and she didn't care. She never even apologized.
I lost it.
The night before my Father came we went out for drinks, me, her and Russ with a few other people. It was a great time. We got hammered. Russ and I bailed a bit early. I remember realizing in the cab that my Father was coming to move all my stuff back to my hometown in just a few hours. I dont remember much of it. I remember Russ following me into the apartment and asking me what was wrong.
I remember crying and screaming and not being able to stop. I remember him holding me and telling me that it was going to be ok I just had to relax. I remember my roommate coming back and staring at me. Feelings. Embarassment. If he hadn't been there I don't know what would have happened. It's kind of like he's a less mystical guardian angel.
I had the conversation with my parents that I believed I couldn't have for years. I told them everything and it went so much better than I expected that I didn't know how to react after I hung up. Last night, I took my meds in front of my family without having to hide in the bathroom and drink out of the sink.
Because of people like Russ and Lindy, I will be here to turn 23 in two weeks.
I have been plagued with thoughts of the future lately. Its very weird. I've been thinking of things like future jobs, marriage and having kids. Its weird to be old enough to actually be thinking about these things.
I still feel like a little kid, even though technically I'm pretty much a grown woman. I even have bills and other adult things!
I don't know, but I feel like I'm not old enough to be this old. If that even makes sense.
It has been an awful day. I had a conversation with Russ about my life and he said a lot of things that cut deep. But the horrifying thing is that he is totally right.
I am not doing well at this whole life thing. I haven't been in years. And honestly, while I feel significantly better emotionally living on my own. I'm not at all good at it. I'm not good at saving money, or remembering to do things or keeping simple things in my house.
I don't even have TRASH BAGS. And as a result of that I haven't taken out the trash.
I have to step up or things are going to go poorly for me. But the thing is, I'm not even really sure how to. There's so much that I've never had to deal with before and its all immensely overwhelming.
I just don't know how to do anything, I feel like I never did.
I'm moving into my new place very soon, with my new roommate- who is in fact very nice. I'm nervous though. I've liked living with Russ. It hasn't been perfect, and sometimes we do things that really bug each other; but I think that we've both enjoyed our time together.
I've started working out again, even though I've fallen off the wagon a bit. I worked out every day for 2 weeks. And then Russ' parents came to visit last week and I haven't done any purposeful exercise. Anyone have any advice on motivation/making healthy choices?
I went and got a physical yesterday, the doctor was really nice, and they are even finding a psychiatrist for me! I'm really excited about that.
Well this is the moment you've all been waiting for. Most of all, I have been waiting for it.
I did it. I moved out. And I'm living in Blacksburg with Russ until my new place is ready!
It was exciting and terrifying and there were tears and fights and drama. But I'm finally where I wanted and needed to be. I've been here for little over a month now, I just have been settling in and getting used to things.
Its really different, living away from my parents. But so far its going pretty well.